No new friends?

I recently lost some friends. Nobody died. Nothing really happened. I just lost them. And I won’t name names. They’re probably not taking the time to read this blog anyway.

I thought I had them. I thought we had mutually beneficial relationships, even at the deepest personal levels of connection. Then circumstances changed. New friends, new environment, new interests. Whatever it is, it seems like they’re no longer willing to put effort into having me as a long term friend.

I’m 21 years old. This isn’t the first time this has happened so I’m not going to cry about it. And my readers aren’t my fuckin’ shrinks either so this blog isn’t about me. It’s about what true friendship is and how to know if you have it.

Anyone that’s ever taken a philosophy class should know that Aristotle classified friends into three categories: friends of utility, friends of pleasure, and friends of the good. I prefer to call the latter “friends of virtue.” Those are the people who genuinely want what’s best for you and selflessly go out of their way to improve your life. But at a 4 year university, there’s not much time to discern who those people are. So students end up with a lot of friends of utility and friends of pleasure. These are the people who are friendly because you’re useful to them and the people who simply like each other’s energy enough to have fun together. The mutual benefit ends there.

There’s no avoiding it. I mean every environment you get thrown in, it’s a race. It’s a race to collect as many friends as possible—no matter what kind, right? Many people, like me, make the mistake of putting too much faith into new friendships. And that doesn’t end well. So maybe the best approach is to be suspicious of all your friendships. Maybe we should all be like Drake. I hate to keep bringing him up but he’s so prominent. Drake says “no new friends” in a lot of his music. What he really means is “don’t trust any new friends.”

I’ve taken this approach personally and I’ve seen plenty of people follow Drake’s lead too. And from my experience, it ends up creating an environment of distrust that in turn makes people more narcissistic and more paranoid. First, it makes people more narcissistic because everyone likes to believe and reaffirm that belief that they’re the true friends— the real ones. Second, it makes people more paranoid because they suspect ulterior motives in the people around them. And no virtuous friendship can grow out of that environment.

Now obviously you know I don’t think that questioning all your friendships is the right solution to finding healthy ones. Aristotle said that friends of virtue benefit each other equally out of purely selfless motives. Therefore this necessarily has to be a reciprocal relationship and can only exist if it stays that way. Real friends, friends of virtue, do their best for you and you do your best for them. It has to be a two way street. Otherwise, you don’t have a virtuous relationship.

So today I sat and thought about the friends I lost. But I wasn’t bitter. And I didn’t think about their actions or any way they may have impacted me negatively. Instead I questioned my own practice of friendship. I questioned how I treated them and whether I was selflessly doing my best to make their lives better. And the answer wasn’t always yes.

I invite you to do the same. Take the time to open your eyes to your own motives and your friendships will make a lot more sense to you.

Filip, again.