Feeling Lonely???

In many ways, we’re more connected as a species now than ever before. But at the same time, the rate of loneliness among Americans is at it’s highest level in history. I was reading an article yesterday that cited a study on 20,000 adults where 47% of the subjects described themselves as feeling “separated” or “lonely”. Additionally, people ages 18-22 had the highest loneliness score of all age groups (which I think is weird since we typically think of old people as being the loneliest). So in a time where we participate in so much social interaction through our screens, how is it possible that we’re so anti-social? A lot of people would probably be quick to point to social media as exactly the cause of this phenomenon. But I think there’s a way our relationships are impacted by social media that’s much more subtle than what people typically focus on.

Here’s what I’m thinking.

Words matter. Our definitions of words matter. Take the word “friend”. If calling someone a friend implies a genuinely intimate and warm connection, then to hear somebody call you their friend is likely to make you feel appreciated and cared for. But what if the meaning of “friend” changes significantly? For example if our standards for who we call a friend drop and now it just means acquaintance, then to hear somebody call you their friend has almost no impact on your self-perception. After all, who really cares anymore about gaining a new Facebook friend? The lack of emotional commitment now implied with the word “friend” could be seriously impacting how young people value themselves in a social context.

Now let’s talk other factors— social media aside. An interesting phenomenon that really piqued my curiosity when I read about it was the positive correlation between overpopulation and loneliness. Yep, that’s right. Living in close proximity to a lot of people can actually exacerbate feelings of loneliness. How is it possible that somebody can be lonely while clearly not alone?

Here’s one thing I’ve observed. People have a tendency to “default” to isolation when faced with immense social pressure. Basically what that means is we can only “love our neighbors” as long as we don’t have too many of them. When it gets to that point, people experience a division of responsibility towards the people living around them— a “division of care” if you will. And very often, the pressure to be sociable with so many people becomes overwhelming. So as a defense mechanism, those people keep to themselves and (seemingly, at least) stop caring about anybody at all. Well what happens when you do that? Nobody cares about you anymore either! From what I’ve noticed, the people that are the least lonely are good at being selective with who they care about. Trying to care about everybody will usually result in not really caring about anybody and ultimately not having anybody.

“Why should I care? Loneliness is just a feeling so it’s no big deal.”

Yeah, feeling lonely definitely isn’t as urgent of an issue as having an open stab wound. But it’s not “no big deal”. Recent studies have provided further proof of the link between emotional suffering and REAL PHYSICAL SUFFERING. Our bodies physically decay if we suffer from chronic loneliness. Think about it. How often do we see depressed people rapidly gain weight, lose weight, lose sleep, get sick and stay sick? ALMOST ALWAYS.

The fact is humans need each other to survive. Even the worst kinds of social interaction are better than nothing. Take a look at prisons. The rates of rape and abuse among inmates is appalling. The living conditions are appalling. And yet, the worst possible punishment an inmate could get is solitary confinement. Because isolation makes us decay—body and mind.

Find your people. Care about them. And don’t toss around “friend” like it’s nothing.

Filip, again.